Gratitude Project~Week 1

I've always found comfort in drugstores like Walgreens. The aisles are tidy, sales are fun, and you can get in and get out relatively quickly. Last fall and winter, though, I found myself frequenting our local Walgreens.

A lot.

Like, two and three times a day sometimes.

The familiarity was comforting, but even more it was that the people there knew my name. They knew my kids. Especially Ken, one of the men that works there, knew who we were. There were a couple of others, too. Ken, though, treated me like a friend. He would do things like tease us about how many times we came in, ask me how I was and then listen for the answer,  laugh with the kids, or congratulate me when I got out alone.

I know, it says something about my life that when I got time to myself I went to Walgreens.

But there you have it. That was the best I could do. Sometimes I would buy a magazine and candy bar and go sit in the car and thumb through the pages while I enjoyed my chocolate.

Other times I just sat in the car and cried. I knew I was depressed but I wasn't really sure what to do. All of my feelings were numb. I couldn't feel happy or sad or even mad. I just felt kind of like a blob of nothing. I watched everything go on around me, and it would register that I should be feeling something. It was like a watching a movie but feeling none of the emotions that the director and producer and actors had worked so hard to achieve.

Sometimes you just have to be in Hard Times, there's nothing to be done for it.

I started seeing a counselor in January and as I slowly came out of the depression I woke up to a lot of stuff that I'd been sleep walking through.

Some of that stuff was people - and Ken was one of those people.

I realized that it wasn't Walgreens that gave me comfort; it was Ken. Ken provided relief from depression for a little bit because he knew me and he liked me and he gave me hope.

Hope is so good.

I knew that gratitude was the inoculation I needed. I read Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts a few years ago and loved her words on gratitude. I knew what Paul said about persevering, about being thankful in all circumstances. I have scripture about being grateful on sticky notes all over the house.

There's a difference between knowing something in your brain, though, and knowing something in your heart.

With the help of my awesome counselor I learned that thinking negatively contributes to depression. Looking back over the years it became clear that I'd accidentally allowed my thoughts to focus on the bad things that had happened in my life rather than the good. In particular, I ruminated on lost and failed relationships.

The cure seemed to be to focus on positive, life giving relationships, to be grateful for the enjoyable relationships.

I've told you that after our family moved to Lexington a couple of years ago I just felt spent. In the beginning I put in a lot of effort into finding a homeschool and church community that would give my family the support that they needed. Looking back I can see that we needed rest more than anything, and that I was just spinning my wheels. That's where Ken from Walgreens came in.

I needed people and Ken and the crew up there were my people for that time. 

In fact, they kind of still are my people.

I still love Walgreens, and always will, but I don't go up there every day. For the last few weeks, whenever I entered the doors, I felt the urge to tell Ken thank you. I had already started the Gratitude Project by writing notes to people who have been important in my life in all kinds of ways. It just felt important to let  Ken to know that he made a big difference during a pretty crappy time in my life.

Every time I started to say something, though, I choked. I felt embarrassed or worried that others would overhear me. Then a couple of weeks ago when I wrote a post on forgiveness  some of the shame I had felt about being depressed disappeared and I felt courage blossoming in my chest.

My kids were milling about looking for sale items. I walked up to the counter where Ken was waiting with a smile.

"Hey, I just wanted you to know that last winter I went through a really lousy time. I was really depressed, and you were always so nice to me. I think it's why I came in here all the time. I just wanted to tell you thank you, that it really means a lot to me that you were so kind," I told him. It was not awkward at all.

"Wel, thank you for saying so," he said, as reached across the counter to take my hand, and he said some other things that I don't quite remember.

Then I told him I was going to start crying and had to go - we both laughed and wiped our eyes a little.

That was not a life changing moment for either us, I'm sure, but I do know it made me think a little more about small actions. I hope it reminded Ken of how important he is in the world.  A simple thank you can carry a lot of weight.

Acknowledging good someone has done in your life, for your life, helps us to remember that who we are, and how we treat others, is far more important than what we do.

I've noticed since starting the Gratitude Project I'm more careful with my words, I notice the efforts that others are making, and I'm much more gentle with myself. It would seem that being grateful magnifies the good in the world, something we are sorely in need of.  I've also noticed that I feel happier, lighter, like the world might actually be an okay place to reside in. That can't be bad.

I'm sure we all have failed relationships that we grieve, or maybe even wish we could have skipped over. Difficult relationships should be overshadowed by the special, caring relationships God sends our way. We can do that by choosing to remember the good ones. What relationships do you find yourself especially thankful for? I'd love to hear...and I'm sure they would, too. Join me in the Gratitude Project? If you send a handwritten note or thank some one in person I'd love to hear about it. You can share here or on Instagram - just use tag me @karakshepherd.  :)

Be brave, misfits!

P.S.

Look what came in the mail today! For reals!!

[caption id="attachment_851" align="alignleft" width="604"] A thank you card from....[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_852" align="alignleft" width="604"] WALGREENS![/caption]