Be an Advocate

My husband and I were in college when we married. We were not traditional college students. We had both stopped going to school for a bit and then started back. I went back to a community college, which was a much better fit for me and Lee went to University of Kentucky.

The first time I read one Lee's of papers I had two thoughts. The first one was, "Who reads Chaucer and likes him this much?" the second one was, "Why doesn't he use capitalization or punctuation?"

Also, his spelling was not good.

The more I read his papers the more I thought that something was off. I was majoring in special education at the time. One book had a paragraph devoted to dyslexia. This brief explanation of dyslexia described my husband to a tee.

I went home and grabbed some of Lee's old papers and looked at the notes his teachers had left and words they had circled. When he got home I wasted no time telling him I thought he had dyslexia.

Fast forward a few years and a couple of kids later. I was teaching our oldest to read with Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons, a book my children felt was sent by Satan.  We were not having success.

Kiley didn't enjoy reading, something that shocked me, as she loved being read to. She did enjoy writing but her spelling was...strange. 'Chree' for tree, 'sed' for said. I didn't worry too much, because people kept telling me it would come.

But it didn't. 

Meanwhile, Lee was trying to get into seminary but couldn't get past the standardized test. A wonderful friend from church worked with him and was baffled. He was so smart, she knew he understood the material. He was articulate, had a deep vocabulary, and could orally answer every question.

I wasn't baffled. 

I was convinced he had a learning disability. There was no where we could turn, though. We changed plans, altered our course, and tried to figure the next thing out.

People with dyslexia are resilient, and Lee is no exception. 

We moved. Our kids kept growing. Our second daughter was eight and she hated her life. I was making her do workbooks and seat work because I thought that's how education worked. She cried and I would still tell her not to get up until it was finished.

One horrible afternoon ugly words flew from my mouth causing my kids to hide from my anger. I took the time to examine their workbooks. Reversals, misshaped letters, deep cuts with the sharp end of a pencil, tear stains and eraser marks spoke to me.

Suddenly their defiance looked more like struggle.

This is not what I wanted our memories to be. This was not why I kept them home. I was ashamed of myself. I knew that their dad had a learning difference and I had been refusing to see what was right in front of me. 

I went to the library and got every book about dyslexia I could find. I discovered that there was also something called dysgraphia and dyscalculia. I discovered that learning issues could be hereditary.

Then I brought my babies to me and I read symptoms of dyslexia out loud to them. I said, "I think you have dyslexia. I think that is why reading and spelling are so hard."

My kids cried, both of them, at 10 and 8 years old, from the relief of knowing that there was a name to the thing wreaking havoc in their lives.

I called the local elementary school for help. I was told that they would grow out of it. I told the counselor that they seemed to be growing into the problem. She laughed and said that homeschoolers often over-worried.

So I turned to my homeschool mom friends.

Now, let me just tell you that there can be a code of NEVER TALKING ABOUT HARD THINGS at homeschool co-ops. I don't know if its conscious or unconscious, but it's there.

I broke that code so hard.

Two moms were immediately like, "Oh my gosh, we have the same thing going on at our house." It became the thing I looked forward to every week, this exchanging of information about what was working and what wasn't.

It's because of those moms that I let my kids use a hundred number chart, multiplication chart, and stopped correcting their spelling. It's because of those moms that I took a leap and let my kids pick what they wanted to learn about. It's because of those moms that my kids and I began enjoying every day of homeschooling.

I have made it my life's mission to empower Lee and the kids to self-advocate. It seems unfair that they have a a learning disability AND they have to educate the public about it.

That's the way it, is though.

Many people think that dyslexia is 'just letter reversals' or something kids grow out of. Every now and then I want to scream and shout 'It affects so much more!' I take a deep breath, though, and remember all the parents who are on my side and I calm down, because I'm not alone.

The thing is, though, I look at my sweet husband and I wonder what life could have been like had one person recognized his issue.

If just one of his teachers had been informed about the signs of dyslexia they could have ended his belief that he was just lazy.

That's what he was told by his parents and teachers. Every report card, every paper, even letters from his parents told him if only he could put in more effort together he could do better.

Do you feel my rage? Is it coming through the keyboard?

I refuse to live in a world where this is acceptable. Yet, so many parents of kids with learning differences share stories like this. Teachers are still not educated about learning disabilities. Students with learning differences continue to be placed in special education classes or held back grades.

Unacceptable. 

So hear, me, people of the world: if your child, spouse,  friend, or co-worker has verbal abilities that don't match up with their output, please consider that there may be a difference in how their brain operates.  

Some helpful links:

Common characteristics of adult dyselxia

37 Common Signs of dyslexia

Be an Advocate

My decision to become a vocal advocate for learning disabilities was born from desperation.

I've honed my skills from pure love, though. Every person I encounter who has struggled with learning issues holds a secret pain. Just by showing up in the world each day they're overcoming it.

Advocacy is a chance to redeem some of the wrong I did, and still do, to my own kids and my husband. They are constantly teaching me new things.

Be brave, misfits, share your hard stuff, someone else is sure to raise their hand.

P.S. Although reading and writing were not struggles for me, attention always was. My kids' dyslexia led me to discover inattentive type ADHD. So many things about my school experience made sense. I add this because I don't want to share about the rest of my family while keeping my issues private.

Freedom and Focus

I've never done it, and I never will, but I imagine that when you jump from an airplane there's a moment of "What was I thinking?" and then you just...go.

I imagine that when your feet touch earth you feel exhilarated. I also can bet that the feeling of elation carries you for a few days.

That's how it is when you walk away from the traditional model of education.

Leaving behind everything that you were taught about education is scary. The longer I teach children, though, the more convinced I am that the current model of education does not best serve anyone.

Sure, there are children who learn, who become proficient at filling in bubble sheets and timed tests. There are children who come away from school buildings better off, even.

Do they thrive, though? 

I've always believed in the autonomy of children. Perhaps it started in my child development classes in college, but as I write this I think it started earlier. I was often treated as someone whose opinions and thoughts were valid, so it was easy for me to do the same for my kids.

Children know how they want their hair to look, what clothes they want to wear, what food they think tastes good - I've never understood forcing them to do something that they really don't want to do.

Side note: I have forgiven my parents for forcing me to eat meatloaf as a child, and I hope that mine will do the same for me. Like when I insisted that a kid wear a winter coat when they didn't feel it was necessary.

So, why do we feel the need to force education onto children?

When we first began our home education journey someone gave me a copy of the book What Your Child Needs to Know When.  I'm not sure that Stephen King's writing could freak me out the way that book did.

That book made me feel as though education was an emergency, something that took a few years to undo.

Children are natural learners. They are curious about themselves and the world around them. Children's brains are designed for growth. They will ask all the questions if given the space and time.

Children have two drives: to explore their environment and to please their parents. 

I read that years ago, though I don't remember who said it. It's a notion that influenced my parenting and homeschool philosophy.  Children cannot meet both of those needs, so I felt like my parenting needed to support both of those.

That means is that children need to be able to explore and please their parents. What that looks like in my house is different than what it might look like in your house. If science experiments in the bathtub aren't your thing, that's okay.

Find common ground with your kids.

Give them space to do their thing. A tote, a table, their own art station, free range in the kitchen every Friday; whatever you can tolerate to allow them to engage in their educational journey.

Also, modify what you are able to tolerate. 

Years ago my oldest daughter wanted her own YouTube channel. She did everything for it, and it was awesome. It caused me change what I thought of as learning. Her sister wanted grades and boxed curriculum for high school. Again, I had to adapt for the student.

I've gained so much by following the lead of my children. Not of all it has been perfect, and there are plenty of times we all looked back and thought, "Wow. That could have gone differently."

Having the room to fail is vital. My kids have learned that adults do not have all of the answers, and I have learned that we can always get back on our feet again. It's never too late to learn anything. (Even cursive. )

One of my favorite experiments Spencer has done was develop a stable fire starter for bug out bags. He gets really into survival videos sometimes, and a few years ago he wanted to learn more about starting fires. That meant I had to get over my fear of fires. 

We could have looked up which was the best, in fact I'm sure we watched several YouTube videos on the subject. Spencer wanted to learn for himself, though. Reading about a subject or watching others experiment isn't the same as learning on your own. Kids want to be sure.

I don't want my kids to take my word for it, or anyone else's.  I want them to know for themselves.

Spencer came up with several variations of fire starters and we timed each one. Vaseline coated cotton balls won, I believe, but dryer lint was a close second. It was really fun to figure out, and we both got really into it.

That's when we began to venture into unschooling. It looks different on a daily basis, and I occasionally give in to the What Your Child Needs to Know When fear. I'm training myself  to talk through with him what I think is important for him to master while listening to his needs.

I posted a comment on Instagram about unschooling that got my attention. I said, "I find that I love the freedom unschooling gives us, but also the focus." Often the truth reveals itself to me when I write.

Unschooling allows us to go really deep into subjects, or to just skim the surface. We get to choose what we need to know when. Unschooling affords us the freedom to tailor an education to our lives. We are not tethered to the notion that knowledge or skills have a best used by date.

Life is too short to be weighed down by shoulds and have-to's. 

Be brave misfits, and jump. 

I can't wait to see where we land.