Doubt is a Gift

There are certain comforts that come with aging. I didn't see them right away, though I have to admit I started looking forward to forty two decades when I was twenty-five. Oprah, or somebody, said you really know who you are at that age. I was all BRING. IT. ON.

Because I thought forty would be easier than twenty-five.

Ha!

Here's what happens to every forty-something: your world gets a little shaky.

It could be metaphorical and come with questions like -What am I doing? Is this what I want my life to look like? How did I get here?

The ground-shifting could be physical and come in the form of death, job loss, unforeseen move, aging parents, medical issues, or a teenager going through something that blindsided you.

If you play your cards right you'll get to experience both, because we wouldn't want life to be boring.

Somewhere in the middle of our earth-shaking changes I felt I'd been there before. It wasn't quite de ja vu, it was more familiar than that. It was more like, "Yes, this seems like a place on the map I've visited."

Familiarizing myself with those streets didn't take long.

Those insecure feelings were frequented by my eighteen to twenty year old self as I navigated entering the adult world. Admittedly, those feelings are more frightening when you thought you were coming into an age when you believed that your world would be solidifying.

Planning for transitions won't help. The theme will be Not What I Expected for this portion of your journey no matter how much foresight you apply. The notion that your grip on life isn't as tight as you thought will come for you.

Even your body returns to the habits of a young adult. Acne is something you may get to experience again, as well as weight fluctuations and hair growing in all kinds of places your mother didn't warn you about.

Your period may even go back to being the jerk it was in middle school.

For me, questions I had about God reawakened. Things I had been so certain of in my thirties became watery.

All of this is good and necessary. My sense of wonder increased exponentially over the last few years and I can only imagine that this trend will continue.

Out past the fear
Doubt becomes wonder, doubt becomes wonder
Rivers appear
And I’m going under, I’m going under!

Audrey Assad, Evergreen

What I really find interesting is that many of the things that felt concrete to me also separated me from others.

In other words, my thinking made pretty strict us/them categories. Where I am on the map these days feels a lot more like the us/them is really just us.

Airing some of my doubts, even here in a space that I have created, feels dangerous.

Evangelical Christians aren't known for embracing questioners of the faith, particularly if they do it publicly. I know it tends to be the famous ones we oust, but I remember feeling squirmy around people who expressed doubt, or a divergence in belief of a certain issue.

Doubt is not dangerous, though. It's a sure sign that we're thinking for ourselves, that we are moving in our faith. Questioning is a sign of growth.

Life really feels like the ocean, vast and unknown and yet with very certain rhythms. Like the tide that comes in out so will my doubts and fears. I know now that this is by design.

Recognizing that I don't have to have it all figured out is a balm. Resting in the awareness that it is not my job to keep the universe spinning is a relief. His yoke is easy and his burden is light.

I've also learned that I cannot paste scripture over doubt like a bandaid. I've got to go at it, explore it, and see if I can root it out. Maybe I can, maybe I can't. I'm comfortable with unanswered questions, another blessing of getting older and giving into curiosity.

Above all the things I am uncertain of, the awareness that I am deeply loved by the Creator of the universe rises in me each day, just like the sun.

That is surely enough.

Allowing myself to be uncertain about life's Big Questions gives me permission to be less certain of the small things. I give myself permission to continue moving forward knowing that the final destination is not my responsibility. I'm held by God and that is simply enough.

Be brave, misfits, and give in to wonder!

Authentic Friendships

Humans are funny creatures. We crave indepdendence, it seems, from a very early age, yet we thrive in community.

Being alone doesn't work for us.

Also, having bad friendships doesn't work.

Not being a relationship expert I cannot offer advice on how to find your people. I've certainly made my share of mistakes in relationships. I've also endured relationships that were no longer healthy.

Authentic friendships are vital for making it through the most difficult stages of life and can add to deeper enjoyment of the great parts. Here are some things I've learned to look for.

~ Have friends in different age brackets.

Having friends who are fifteen years younger than me has been one of the biggest surprises of my life. We met Roger, and later his future wife, Abigail, at a particularly rough period in our lives.

Roger was a life preserver.

At twenty years old he was bold enough to think he had it all figured out but still had a lot of kid fun left in him. As our friendship flourished we were able to witness him falling in love and proposing to his wife and starting a family of his own. They've become family.

Because we have a large gap between our first three and our last born I've been forced into a lower age bracket in some ways. Many of my friends who are my age have teenagers, though a few have children quite a bit younger than Liam, who is 9. It's weird being the matriarch but, as the cool kids say, it is what it is.

Having friends who are much older - fifteen to forty years older - has been very grounding. People in that age range tend to not get flustered by difficult life circumstances but are able to offer true compassion. They're never going to tell you that something's not a big deal.

Finally, having friends who are the same age is comforting. It's nice to know that you're not alone in your feelings, that what you're going through is developmentally appropriate (my favorite mantra). It's also fun to sing along to bad 80's music together, to share memories of curling irons and hair spray, and lament over the aging process in general.

~ Have friends who accept your true self

If you find yourself changing things about yourself, hiding parts of you that make you feel embarrassed, to meet the needs of a person in your life, then it is not a good relationship. Maybe it's your problem (but probably not). Maybe it's the other person's issue but life is too short to allow yourself to be swallowed up by someone else's expectations.

There have been times in my life when I was overcommitted, overextended, and under-supported. Parenting small children and trying to meet the needs of a lot of people who weren't me took a toll. I had to be very, very vulnerable people with friends and say, "Sometimes I may disappear, but I'm not gone."

Being real about anxiety, depression, and the overwhelm that comes with being human was scary, but totally worth it.

A ten minute phone call once a month, or a quick drop in to one another's home on the way to or from appointments, soccer games, or meetings, may have to do for a time. Remembering that love keeps no records of wrongs is key during these occasions. Loving someone as they are also means accepting their flaws, and accepting that their best efforts may sometimes be messy, or fall short of your needs.

Also, at certain ages friendships need to run on autopilot. They should not require huge amounts of effort. As children grow so do their needs, and the same goes with careers. Flexibility is key to getting through the busiest life circumstances.

This seemed like a great opportunity to use this photo I took a couple of years ago.

~ Have friends who can give real answers to hard questions

Knowing people with whom you can discuss the deep stuff with is vital. Theology, politics, parenting, and the meaning of life are just a few of the subjects I love delving into with friends. I wonder sometimes if we've gotten into the habit of avoiding issues that may bring up differing opinions.

Discussing this stuff with friends, who accept my true self, means that I'm safe. It's not the same as talking to people on the internet about it. People who know you will allow you to explore and grow through life's bigger questions and not leave you.

~Choose the quirky ones

Quirky is my middle name, so it's no surprise to that I gravitate toward those who seem to float around the fringe. Partly because I know that they will accept my idiosyncratic ways and partly because I know that the quirky ones are a hidden treasure. Taking a chance with someone who may be your total opposite can lead to some really wonderful moments.

Basically, what I'm saying is, embrace your own imperfections and you will be able to embrace those around you.

"Imperfections are not inadequacies, they are reminders that we're all in this together."

Brene Brown, awesome human being and author of a lot of books

So, what friendships have surprised you? I'd love to know what you've learned about cultivating meaningful relationships.

Be brave, misfits, and may you embrace authentic friendship!