Doubt is a Gift

There are certain comforts that come with aging. I didn't see them right away, though I have to admit I started looking forward to forty two decades when I was twenty-five. Oprah, or somebody, said you really know who you are at that age. I was all BRING. IT. ON.

Because I thought forty would be easier than twenty-five.

Ha!

Here's what happens to every forty-something: your world gets a little shaky.

It could be metaphorical and come with questions like -What am I doing? Is this what I want my life to look like? How did I get here?

The ground-shifting could be physical and come in the form of death, job loss, unforeseen move, aging parents, medical issues, or a teenager going through something that blindsided you.

If you play your cards right you'll get to experience both, because we wouldn't want life to be boring.

Somewhere in the middle of our earth-shaking changes I felt I'd been there before. It wasn't quite de ja vu, it was more familiar than that. It was more like, "Yes, this seems like a place on the map I've visited."

Familiarizing myself with those streets didn't take long.

Those insecure feelings were frequented by my eighteen to twenty year old self as I navigated entering the adult world. Admittedly, those feelings are more frightening when you thought you were coming into an age when you believed that your world would be solidifying.

Planning for transitions won't help. The theme will be Not What I Expected for this portion of your journey no matter how much foresight you apply. The notion that your grip on life isn't as tight as you thought will come for you.

Even your body returns to the habits of a young adult. Acne is something you may get to experience again, as well as weight fluctuations and hair growing in all kinds of places your mother didn't warn you about.

Your period may even go back to being the jerk it was in middle school.

For me, questions I had about God reawakened. Things I had been so certain of in my thirties became watery.

All of this is good and necessary. My sense of wonder increased exponentially over the last few years and I can only imagine that this trend will continue.

Out past the fear
Doubt becomes wonder, doubt becomes wonder
Rivers appear
And I’m going under, I’m going under!

Audrey Assad, Evergreen

What I really find interesting is that many of the things that felt concrete to me also separated me from others.

In other words, my thinking made pretty strict us/them categories. Where I am on the map these days feels a lot more like the us/them is really just us.

Airing some of my doubts, even here in a space that I have created, feels dangerous.

Evangelical Christians aren't known for embracing questioners of the faith, particularly if they do it publicly. I know it tends to be the famous ones we oust, but I remember feeling squirmy around people who expressed doubt, or a divergence in belief of a certain issue.

Doubt is not dangerous, though. It's a sure sign that we're thinking for ourselves, that we are moving in our faith. Questioning is a sign of growth.

Life really feels like the ocean, vast and unknown and yet with very certain rhythms. Like the tide that comes in out so will my doubts and fears. I know now that this is by design.

Recognizing that I don't have to have it all figured out is a balm. Resting in the awareness that it is not my job to keep the universe spinning is a relief. His yoke is easy and his burden is light.

I've also learned that I cannot paste scripture over doubt like a bandaid. I've got to go at it, explore it, and see if I can root it out. Maybe I can, maybe I can't. I'm comfortable with unanswered questions, another blessing of getting older and giving into curiosity.

Above all the things I am uncertain of, the awareness that I am deeply loved by the Creator of the universe rises in me each day, just like the sun.

That is surely enough.

Allowing myself to be uncertain about life's Big Questions gives me permission to be less certain of the small things. I give myself permission to continue moving forward knowing that the final destination is not my responsibility. I'm held by God and that is simply enough.

Be brave, misfits, and give in to wonder!