Humans are funny creatures. We crave indepdendence, it seems, from a very early age, yet we thrive in community.
Being alone doesn't work for us.
Also, having bad friendships doesn't work.
Not being a relationship expert I cannot offer advice on how to find your people. I've certainly made my share of mistakes in relationships. I've also endured relationships that were no longer healthy.
Authentic friendships are vital for making it through the most difficult stages of life and can add to deeper enjoyment of the great parts. Here are some things I've learned to look for.
~ Have friends in different age brackets.
Having friends who are fifteen years younger than me has been one of the biggest surprises of my life. We met Roger, and later his future wife, Abigail, at a particularly rough period in our lives.
Roger was a life preserver.
At twenty years old he was bold enough to think he had it all figured out but still had a lot of kid fun left in him. As our friendship flourished we were able to witness him falling in love and proposing to his wife and starting a family of his own. They've become family.
Because we have a large gap between our first three and our last born I've been forced into a lower age bracket in some ways. Many of my friends who are my age have teenagers, though a few have children quite a bit younger than Liam, who is 9. It's weird being the matriarch but, as the cool kids say, it is what it is.
Having friends who are much older - fifteen to forty years older - has been very grounding. People in that age range tend to not get flustered by difficult life circumstances but are able to offer true compassion. They're never going to tell you that something's not a big deal.
Finally, having friends who are the same age is comforting. It's nice to know that you're not alone in your feelings, that what you're going through is developmentally appropriate (my favorite mantra). It's also fun to sing along to bad 80's music together, to share memories of curling irons and hair spray, and lament over the aging process in general.
~ Have friends who accept your true self
If you find yourself changing things about yourself, hiding parts of you that make you feel embarrassed, to meet the needs of a person in your life, then it is not a good relationship. Maybe it's your problem (but probably not). Maybe it's the other person's issue but life is too short to allow yourself to be swallowed up by someone else's expectations.
There have been times in my life when I was overcommitted, overextended, and under-supported. Parenting small children and trying to meet the needs of a lot of people who weren't me took a toll. I had to be very, very vulnerable people with friends and say, "Sometimes I may disappear, but I'm not gone."
Being real about anxiety, depression, and the overwhelm that comes with being human was scary, but totally worth it.
A ten minute phone call once a month, or a quick drop in to one another's home on the way to or from appointments, soccer games, or meetings, may have to do for a time. Remembering that love keeps no records of wrongs is key during these occasions. Loving someone as they are also means accepting their flaws, and accepting that their best efforts may sometimes be messy, or fall short of your needs.
Also, at certain ages friendships need to run on autopilot. They should not require huge amounts of effort. As children grow so do their needs, and the same goes with careers. Flexibility is key to getting through the busiest life circumstances.
~ Have friends who can give real answers to hard questions
Knowing people with whom you can discuss the deep stuff with is vital. Theology, politics, parenting, and the meaning of life are just a few of the subjects I love delving into with friends. I wonder sometimes if we've gotten into the habit of avoiding issues that may bring up differing opinions.
Discussing this stuff with friends, who accept my true self, means that I'm safe. It's not the same as talking to people on the internet about it. People who know you will allow you to explore and grow through life's bigger questions and not leave you.
~Choose the quirky ones
Quirky is my middle name, so it's no surprise to that I gravitate toward those who seem to float around the fringe. Partly because I know that they will accept my idiosyncratic ways and partly because I know that the quirky ones are a hidden treasure. Taking a chance with someone who may be your total opposite can lead to some really wonderful moments.
Basically, what I'm saying is, embrace your own imperfections and you will be able to embrace those around you.
"Imperfections are not inadequacies, they are reminders that we're all in this together."
Brene Brown, awesome human being and author of a lot of books
So, what friendships have surprised you? I'd love to know what you've learned about cultivating meaningful relationships.
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