I Used to Be Funny

At least I think that I used to be funny

Writing funny words came easily and I have a whole blog to prove it.

These days, though, I spend a lot of time uttering the words, "I'm not being funny!"

They all laugh at me as though I am being funny. It's very confusing.

Like when I tell them I'm going to super glue the hand towel to the bar in the bathroom, they laugh like I've told the greatest joke.

Why is this towel bar not fulfilling its life purpose?

Or when I say please don't make a mess in the backyard.

Or when I say I'd like you to eat more vegetables.

They come to me, these people of mine, whom I love with every cell of my body, and they ask me so many questions.

They ask how they can poop, quickly, and why don't we have anything good to eat in the house, and could  we please skip our daily walk because they haven't seen this episode of The Amazing World of Gumball that is literally on EVERY TIME I TURN ON THE TELEVISION.

In fact, they ask me so many questions I think they've erased my funny.

Now I'm funny when I don't want to be because I cannot remember words like refrigerator, light switch, and car. My people, whom I love with a deep, deep affection, have used up all of my brain cells and rendered me incapacitated.

I say things like, "I have to take my thingy up to that place."

And they say, what?

The only words I find are, "You know, the thing with wheels needs that stuff like milk to make it go fast."

That's who I am now. I'm 45 and I cannot remember words.

Also, not only have I forgotten words but my fashion sense has become completely utilitarian. Cold Water Creek is not calling me for questions regarding trends. Frankly, neither is Goodwill.

Pants with elastic waists and socks that almost match work for me.

Shirts that are warm and clean are all I'm looking for. Clean is so hard to come by because I keep putting my dirty clothes back in my dressers because of the ever-loving brain cell depletion.

Are you laughing? Because it's NOT funny!

Then, on the days when I think, heck yes Kara, you have still got it going on because my shoes are cute, my jeans give me good butt, and I am wearing a power cardigan one of my kids will say, "You're going out in that?"

They're using subterfuge, keeping me in a state of confusion so I say yes to idiotic things. Like slime filled containers with plastic dinosaur bones buried inside while on a toilet paper excursion at the Dollar Store. "It's for school, Mom. We'll get some library books about dinosaurs and do a project."

This happened! Recently! Gaslighting from my youngest!

Another of their favorite tactics is to feign competency. I have theories on where they learned this trick, but for now I'll keep them to myself.

One of them will say, "Oh, the floor looks like it needs to be mopped, I'll do that in the morning." I'll think, awesome, I have raised such a smart, competent person.

Feeling excited I go the Dollar Store and buy Swiffer dusters because that's how I have fun these days. I wake up at 5 a.m. excited for our cleaning spree and I maniacally clean the entire house. My smart kid sleeps in and I pass out after a pot of coffee and three hours of solo cleaning.

Foiled again! 

These children of mine will the rue the day, I tell you.

In fact, maybe they already do. My new tactic is to say bizarre things to them when checking out in the grocery.

"Do you want this chapstick in the bag?" the bagger asked. I told him he could give it to my kid, then I turned to my adult-ish kid and said, "Now don't eat this one, honey."

#winning

Last month my nine year old and I were at Walgreens and I had told him under no circumstances was he buying anything. When we met back up he noticed I was holding a box. He didn't notice the box said 'maxi pads'.

'Why do you get something and I don't?" my enraged kid said in a loud voice.

I paused and then told him, equally loud, it was because mommy's uterus was shedding it's inner lining and without theses nice pads I would bleed everywhere. There was a lot of silence on our way to the register.

Thinking on it, he hasn't asked to go the store with me recently.

#winning

I'm wondering if they have Christmas themed bathing suits at Target, because I'm feeling bold. 

Be brave misfits, and keep laughing!