A pet peeve of mine is adults complaining about teenagers, especially in front of said adolescents. Every parent of a newborn has heard, "Just wait until they're teenagers!"
Ugh.
Lee and I have loved parenting teens. Pretty much any difficulty I've had with a certain kid based on their age stems from a personal issue that I'm having. Once I get my stuff out of the way things smooth out.
Also, that's why there are family and individual counselors, vitamins, and chocolate. No one was meant to go this road alone OR without chocolate.
Having perimenopause symptoms in full swing AND parenting teenagers is definitely challenging.
The key is allowing them to become their own person.
Often we feel like we don't even recognize the kid that has become a teenager but if we look back we can see that there have been incremental steps leading up to this. Nothing is ever sudden, is it?
I frequently read developmental milestones for each age so that I can remember what my kid's body and brain is going through. A phrase my family hears me say on the regular is, "This is developmentally appropriate behavior."
That's where a lot of issues between parents and kids come in; our expectations get wonky. Many teens are adult sized people by the time they are 14, but that doesn't mean they are adults. Acknowledging that a kid is behaving exactly as they should be according to their age reminds me to do the same.
Mind you, I have pretty high expectations. I've learned the hard way that kids will absolutely live up to the standards that we set for them. This is tricky to balance, the-not-too-high-not-too-low and also always-changing expectations.
I didn't say it was easy. I said it was fun.
That said here's a few things I found to be helpful when sharing a home with teenagers.
Give them a chance to fail.
"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new." ~ Albert Einstein
In order to grow into their own person our kids need to try new things, and possibly not do well at them. Let them have ideas for recipes, decorating, clothing choices, hairstyle choices, hobbies, anything that feeds their curiosity.
Withhold the urge to say I told you so when something doesn't work out. Learn to ask them what they could do differently the next time. Give them the ability to see what did work by pointing it out.
Even if it was skateboarding down hill on their stomach with no helmet.
Let them choose their own.
Music, books, movies, clothes, hairstyles. It's all part of the process of becoming. There may be many iterations before the final outcome is reached.
Some of this can be tricky to navigate. Each family will have to find their own way, and every family will find that each kid is unique. What works for one will not work for the others.
I remember when each of my older kids began discovering their own music. Branching off from K-LOVE and Veggie Tales was a big deal. My girls discovered Cold Play, Florence and the Machine, and Imagine Dragons.
In fact, I credit my kids with introducing me to some great music. Some of my favorite memories involve my minivan, their choice of music, and us singing at the tops of our lungs. Liam was so little and would just sing right along. #i'mnotcryingyou'recrying.
Sometimes their music choices gave us an opportunity to talk about why I didn't like it. We had some great discussions about how much what we listen to influences our choices.
Kiley and Laurel often took those moments to remind me of teaching Spencer all the lyrics to Fat Bottom Girls by Queen. I can say that may be something that I regret. Maybe. It's still fun to sing, though.
There were some regrettable reading choices in there, too. I was forced to apologize for reading the Twilight series and begged them to never, ever read it. Not because it's offensive. It's just very badly written. Often, though, one of the kids would tell me that it wasn't the book for them, or they would draw conclusions about the music that they were listening to.
Age doesn't affect their ability to make good choices about what is good literature or worthy music. A solid foundation of great reading and excellent music (not excluding Queen) gave them an excellent basis for comparison.
Give them room to be the expert.
Allowing kids to be the teacher, to lead you along something that they're really good at, is great on many levels. First it gives them practice in autonomy. Second it enable them to see themselves as capable. Thirdly, it allows you, the parent, to see them as capable.
Kiley became an expert knitter, Laurel became an expert cake decorator, and Spencer has recently taken up knife throwing. My kids have taught me algebra, screen writing, ear piercing, scarf wearing, the art of lighting a fire using a magnesium rod, and parallel parking.
Seriously. They're so smart.
It gives me hope that some day they'll all learn how to change a roll of toilet paper.
Julie Bogart, the founder of Brave Writer, is a huge proponent of this. One of her recent podcasts, Prepping Your Teen for Adulthood, is one I'll be listening to again.
In full transparency, yesterday my teenager and I were having a major meeting of the minds. Their privacy is important to me so the details won't be disclosed, but we'll say it was ugly.
I had a stomach ache by the end of the drama BUT because we have established relationship through some of the things I talked about, resetting was not difficult. We have so many connections to fall back on that days like yesterday feel more like a blip on the screen.
That's the best gift we can give people whose age ends in -teen: relationship. I don't know how I adopted this rule, but generally if I wouldn't say it to an adult I don't say it to my kids. And because I'm not perfect apologizing is something I'm very comfortable with. Relationship over rules is my mantra for these years.
What have you found to be helpful when living with adolescents?
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