Self Acceptance Revolution

Well, it finally happened.

Honestly, I've wondered how long it would take. As a kid I remember watching certain moms and thinking,"That's pretty weird, but whatever."

I'm referring to the moms in bathing suits. Not at the pool, just at home, or getting gas, or mowing the front yard. I've become one of those.

The transition started a couple of years ago when I was behind on laundry. Land's End makes a super cute bathing top and it was pretty great to wear while mowing the grass.

A couple of days ago the boys and I went to the lake with Dad and I just couldn't be bothered. I wore my bathing suit for the hour-plus drive it takes to get there.

"Mom, what if people are in their cars and they see you in ours and they know you're wearing a bathing suit?" Liam asked me. I could tell he was truly concerned for the other people.

"Then they'll know I'm wearing a bathing suit and wish that they were going to the lake, too," I told him.

Part of it was self-preservation. The effort it takes to change from my clothes into a bathing suit feels herculean. Add a changing room that is 98 degrees, a torn shower curtain for a door, spiders who want to actually eat me instead of the moth they've trapped, and you've got a recipe for disaster.

I have apparently reached the age wherein I don't give an actual crap what other people think. It's quite lovely, really.

It's not new, but the older I get the more in touch with my child-like self I feel. Remember when you were a kid and it was just normal to wear a bathing suit everywhere in the summer? Or maybe it was your pajamas or your gymnastic leotard or your dance outfit.

There was an outfit that made you feel like you.

My bathing suit feels that way to me. I really like wearing my bathing suit with my sneakers. That's when I feel like bike riding or running in the sprinkler, or both. I love the feeling of my legs being free.

When I'm wearing my bathing suit I don't feel the weight of my gray hair, or notice my varicose veins, or wonder what other people think of me. Instead, I get the urge to start a game of kickball or eat watermelon on the front porch.

Avoiding shoulds and have-to's in my life is a goal, but recognizing them is important, too. We 'should' people of all ages: she shouldn't wear that at her age, he shouldn't be doing that at his age.

Leaving behind expectation set by who-cares-who leaves a person free to wear what they want when they want. Once we give ourselves that gift it's much easier to stop criticizing other people, even if was only ever in our heads.

An indicator of shoulds or have-to's in your own life is if you do it to other people. Something as simple as driving past a someone mowing their yard in, say, their bathing suit and thinking, "Who wears a bathing suit to mow?" is a pretty good indicator that you do that to yourself.

Shoulds and have-to's slow you down from living the life that you're meant to live. The way we think directly contributes to our mental health, and should thinking leads to the rabbit hole of anxiety.

That's not the life God has for us. Walking around in my bathing suit doesn't signify that my body is in the best shape it could be. Rather, it signifies acceptance; acceptance of the current state of how my body looks, which is exactly what God wants.

In my bathing suit, or in a business suit, or in my birthday suit, I am loved and accepted by an all-loving, all-knowing God.

Sometimes I find myself wishing it hadn't taken me so long to get here, to this lovely place of self acceptance. Then I remember that every step I've taken in my life was leading me to this point. Wishing for things to be different is just a should of another name. And, when I was in my 20's I thought that I did accept myself.

Changing what I couldn't know is an impossible dream that is just plain silly to waste time on. But here, today, getting to wear my bathing suit while I mow the yard, is not a bad way to get the party started. Forty-five seems as good a time as ever to embrace who I am and how I look.

It's not always easy, but it does get easier.

My Self Acceptance Revolution may have started late, but when it did it was in high gear. It was around four years ago, and a friend was picking up some supplements from a provider/friend/health nut. She introduced me to her friend, who for some reason thought the appropriate response to meeting me was to say, "We're having a weight loss contest this month!"

For about 20 seconds I took her tall, lean figure in. Her perky, high pony tail and lovely smile felt counterfeit after her stabbing words. I'm sure I smiled back as I said no thanks, because it was the beginning of my revolution, but inside I was mad.

Like, really mad.

I told my friend I'd be next door at Kroger while she finished things up.

In the past, before my Self Acceptance Revolution, my immediate feelings would have been shame and self-directed anger. I probably would have cried later, when I was alone, as I replayed the conversation. What I knew in that moment was that I wasn't the one with the problem; this woman had a self-acceptance issue she was putting off on me (and likely every other overweight person who walked in).

When you're unhappy with yourself it's way easier to be critical of others, even in the name of 'helping'.

Until I began writing this I didn't think of that moment as the beginning of my Self Acceptance Revolution (SAR), but it was. Now, a few years into my SAR, in a similar situation my response would go one of two ways: I'd other hug her and tell her she'd be okay one day, or flip her off.

It could go either way these days.

And you know what? That's okay, too.

Be brave, misfits! Enjoy a self acceptance revolution of your own!

I'd love to hear what childhood outfit made you feel like you - share here in the comments or on Facebook.

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