Boom!

Welcome to the new decade.

I guess that's how we're dividing things now. The internet was full of 'ten years ago' micro-posts. At first I thought people were just enjoying seeing where they were ten years ago because they were bored the week in between the holidays and real life.

Then I realized my son is 10, and he was born in 2009 and it all made sense to me.

Boom!

It's a new decade.

I'd really rather not chop my life up into ten year increments, but in honor of being reflective a few days into this brand-spankin' new year, let's check out where I was ten years ago.

Liam was a tiny baby, around ten weeks or so. Our 'big kids', as we called them then, Kiley and Laurel, were 12, 10, along with just-turned- six-year-old Spencer. I was 36 and Lee was nearly 40.

Delivery of our fourth child had been rough - my babies like to be around nine pounds. I think Liam weighed in at 8.15, which seemed tiny after 10.3 pounds and 22 inches of Spencer passed through my birth canal like a cannon ball in slow motion.

I was anemic, my milk wouldn't come in, and Liam had bad latch. Add to that an MRI to check on my lungs that revealed a spot on my liver. I was completely wigged out.

After six weeks of pumping and visiting lactation consultants I made the excruciatingly painful decision to formula feed. A dear friend saw how worn out I was and said, "If you need permission, you have it."

Giving my self forty-eight hours of mourning helped. Then I wasn't sad, I was just feeding my baby. The big kids were enamored with feeding their baby brother, and Lee loved getting to be in charge of late night feedings.

I loved getting to sleep.

Still, I'd randomly declare things like 'breast is best!' and burst into tears at my lack of nursing superpowers. I had nursed the older kids for 12 months. But you know what? Liam needed food, I needed sleep, and we all moved on. No one is damaged by the choices that we made and we're all alive now.

I learned so much from that choice. Learning to relax into my choice, be thankful that the choice existed and moving forward helped me to grow.

Prior to that I'd been secretly judgmental of mothers who formula fed. Not like, super judge-y but like, silently smug. You know?

Making your own way is really hard, and parenting choices sometimes feel like a decision between good and evil. But feeding your baby is just about keeping everyone alive.

Ten years ago was a very sweet time in our lives.

I remember we had snow that winter, and the parsonage house we lived in sat on property with hills. The kids were all about getting out in the white stuff. I think they used trash can lids as snow sleds.

Just before they went out Kiley came to me quietly and told me she thought her period had started. After ensuring she had what she needed before sending her out to sled, I gave her a big hug.

"Sorry," I said, unsure of why I was apologizing.

She just resignedly shrugged her shoulders and ran out the door.

Sorry that you have to grow up, is what I think I meant. Sorry that you don't get to live in sunlit childhood days forever. Sorry that we can't curl up on the couch endlessly reading books and getting cookie crumbs everywhere.

Sorry we won't live this way forever, snug under the same roof.

Looking down at little Liam, chubby baby hands and cheeks waiting for me to do what he couldn't, and out at my oldest on the cusp of adulthood, I had a real sense of how quickly it would all go.

That was the gift of Liam. He was a living reminder to slow down and savor it all because it would just go otherwise.

Arriving ten years later, the changes feel warp speed.

Kiley is moved out and married.

Laurel is nearly 20.

Spencer turns 16 today.

Liam is 10 and more savvy than most his age. But he still loves LEGO and playing pretend and I will let him stay there for as long as he will.

Kiley worked at a photo studio last winter, and this gem was the product of that job.

I'm 46 and Lee is nearly 50. Our knees definitely hurt a little more. We've been banged up by life a little more. We've also overcome so much. So much.

The night of our 24th Anniversary. We were so tired, but ate really good pizza.

I drink less coffee now than I did then. Lee eats more vegetables than he did ten years ago (though, not by many!). I'm still homeschooling. We still love Jesus. We're re-learning to love the church.

Our kids are good humans. Great humans, even.

We've added new pets, lost one really good dog, re-homed a few, and regretted one. Kids have learned to walk, bike ride, drive, open bank accounts, and navigate calling insurance companies.

Boom!

We've done that together.

What I've shared here is mostly surface - there is so much underneath that I could fill a book. Moves, diagnosis, coping with learning differences, my parents' myriad of surgeries, Lee's surgeries, friendship losses, family changes...I feel like a a completely different person in some ways.

Giving myself a bit of time to consider the last ten years and allowed me the opportunity to see how far we've come. How far I've come. It's a pretty satisfying feeling.

I wonder if you've reflected on the last ten years? Are the changes subtle or huge? I'd love to know.

Be brave, misfits! May you appreciate how far you've come.