All the Things

Lately, setting intentions feels like the surest way toward chaos.

We've had so many (wonderful) new things this summer, but also some significant changes. Because of the ages of my children, more changes are sure to come.

At the beginning of June Liam participated in a three week camp for students with dyslexia. It's called a camp, but it's really an intense academic boot camp. I worked to cover the cost of tuition.

We learned a ton but came away quite exhausted. The amazing news is that Liam is reading more smoothly than he ever has. He won't admit it yet, but I think it was totally worth the pain and suffering.

Anyway, in the weeks following camp I doubled my efforts with my tutoring business. I've made mistakes, like paying for a website. But I've also made progress, by finding mentors.

I am at a strange crossroads of having adult children jump from the nest, and beginning a new (yet not new) career. I'm learning so many new things at a time when I thought...

Crepe myrtle spied on our neighborhood.

Well, I don't know what I thought. I definitely thought things would be easier at 45.

I didn't think parenting adult children would be so difficult, for sure. It's not the kids that are the problem, either. It's me.

I think about them a lot. I wonder where they are and what they're doing, but I'm also relieved to not know all the things.

Lying in bed with headphones and my favorite playlist, giving my mind permission to take a break has to happen regularly. I feel like my junior high self as I listen, and sometimes cry, to the best songs.

It's the place where I don't have to think about:

• Did I tell them how to transfer prescriptions?
• Will they go to the cardiologist on their own?
• Will I go to the dentist on my own?
• Should we have made them practice changing a flat tire?
• What if I'm not cut out for working AND homeschooling?
• How many episodes is too many?
• What the heck is a dangling participle, and should I care?
• Have I scarred my children?
• Was leaving church a mistake?
• Was being in church a mistake?
• Is there such a thing as balance?
• Why do we get skin tags?
• What if someone gave me a baby?
• Could someone give me a baby?
• Was my wild youth wild enough?
• How can I be a better person?
• What is for dinner?
• How did I get here?
• Am I failing?

Lee sometimes asks why I'm so tired. When I tell him he doesn't have a lot to say, except, "Oh." I think our brains work very differently.

One morning he told me that I checked his forehead for a fever all night long. There is no memory of that stored away anywhere. But I must have worry on autopilot somewhere in there.

It's not even parenting stuff that takes up the majority of my thought life. I'm parenting me to my next phase in life. I've said it before, but it's like I'm a teenager in some ways.

I have to remind myself to wash my face and brush my teeth. Some days I even have to remind myself that showering always makes me feel better.

I have little pep talks with myself. "You can answer emails. You can make phone calls. You can learn new things." It's all true, too. I'm doing it all AND I feel fairly confident. Not overly confident, though, just the right amount.

I think it's just the right amount of confidence anyway.

ThredUp is helping me revamp my closet on a shoestring budget, so that's been fun. I'm all about a minimalist capsule wardrobe, apparently. My goal is to only do laundry once a week. I'll share some of that next week. :)

In other news, I felt sad that my sassiest black jeans developed an unsightly hole in the crotch/thigh region. But, I felt happy that my travelers notebook has turned my life around in ways that were completely unexpected.

This is me the day my travelers notebook came in the mail. I don't have a picture of the day the crotch wore out of my pants. You're welcome.

Laurel said I could not call myself Hot Krotch Kara when I turn to stand up comedy. #sadface I thought it was clever.

Guys, there are just so many things right now. Like, all the things.

I will say that learning to meditate has offered a huge relief from all the things.

At night, when I'm falling asleep, I always whisper, "Jesus, thank you for taking care of all the things. Amen." That's become my mantra.

But also, I'm thankful for all the things. A few years ago it all felt so hopeless and confusing. I found myself doubting the decision to stay home with the kids. I regretted not having an income.

It's such a surprise to find myself in this new place of being someone who knows a crap ton about dyslexia, but also learning in general. I'm loving it. It appears just the thing I needed because I find this excitement spilling over into other areas.

Officially, I'm excited to start our homeschool year!

So, tell me what surprises have found you as you turned a corner in your life, friends. I know I'm not alone.

Be brave misfits, and thank God for All the Things!